Friday, November 15, 2013

Lord of the Dildo

               During the Third Age of our world, the evil lord of Westmoreland P-Gal purchased a vehicle. This vehicle was used to traumatized women whoever crossed it. It led to the death of a girl known as EL. He hit her so hard that she coped with the tragedy with drugs and overdosed herself. During this dark time, three brave heroes arrived.
               The three heroes were the Colemandingo, Roughneck Hoya Saxa, and The Slap. Colemandingo had a brother named Dildo Baggins who did not participate in this war. These warriors had a dildo called Dilly, which was used to defeat the P-Gal. 
               However, P-Gal had a Copenhagen tin where he put most of his evil spirit in. As long as the tin existed, P-Gal will remain in the world.
               A young man of the name Gingerade E was also present. Gingerade E stole the tin for his own good. The tin is yet to be found. The tin has an inscription on it, saying “One Car to rule them all, One car to find them all, One Car to bring them all, and One Car to destroy them all.” Them is a reference to women. The tin did not control the vehicle, but the tin had majority of P-Gal’s evil spirit. The tin also had a power. The tin-bearer will psychologically demolished by the tin. The tin brings men into a car and causing mayhem to the women.
                The Gingerade E was later murdered during a hockey brawl with the Orcs of Langley. The tin was mistaken as a puck and thrown away. There, a hobbit with the name of Peter Yoshida took the tin and claimed it his precious. He lived under a bridge in Washington DC for many years. One day, Peter dropped this tin. A man known as The Wired Slothz found the tin and kept it. The tin was found.
                 Many years later, it was The Slothz’s 111th birthday celebration at his home town of Shouse. His friend Dildo was there. Dildo had a companion, a beatboxer known as Sam. The wise wizard Borna noticed that the Slothz has a lip in. He questions the tin and The Slothz refuses to give the tin to the wizard but ultimately does.
                  The wizard went to find sources about the tin and found sources written by the Gingerade. The tin has to have the label “One Car to Rule them all, One Car to Find them all, One car to bring them all, and One Car to destroy them all.” Borna rushed back to the Shouse and checked the tin. He verified the tin.
                  Borna decided to start a fellowship of the tin. The fellowship consisted of Dildo, Sam, a dog named Z Dogg, a guru Cowstabh, and a Laufman.
The fellowship begins their journey to Westmoreland, where all evil began in hope that the tin will lead them to the original car. Meanwhile, the P-Gal was giving oral pleasures to the man known as 15, who had no idea about the war.
                   There, the Fellowship has no problem. A man in a cloak approaches. It is the great JFarm. JFarm says “Do not forget that although we are in war, we all have friends and peace. The war is about restoring Friendship And Peace to the world. The Westmoreland has expanded to the McLean Highlanders. Us highlanders are resisting but more and more women are killed. Soon the car will arrive to our castle and destroy us all. P-Gal already has the car. You must pull out the Dilly!!”
I have not explained but the dildo was put into a rock and only the worthy will be able to pull it out. The rock was located in the front of the McLean Castle. The fellowship has to hurry up.
                    The Laufman can be a scumbag and tries to take the tin for his own good. Although the tin does not land on his hand, the avaricious Laufman is heavily influenced by the power of the tin. He begins to search for a car. He arrives to the parking lot of the castle. He sees his Neckrod, his lover and approaches it to lure and kill with the next car he sees. However, P-Gal sees the Neckrod while the Laufman is luring her toward his plan. P-Gal comes with the car and hits them both. Two casualties has occured.
                     The Z Dogg sniffs his way to the dildo. The dildo had the odor of peanut butter. The Z Dogg starts sucking it, hoping to taste the peanut butter. The dildo has begun to loosen up but the sucking off did not work. Dildo arrives and pulls it out with his heroism.
P-Gal’s army, which are mentally disabled people who he somehow convinced, have arrived at McLean. Sam has to come and beatbox to them. The music has destroyed some cars but the remaining cars are approaching. There, the wise wizard Borna comes and shaves his eyebrows off. The beat drops, the eyebrows drop. The guru Cowstabh, the heir to Ganesha, has used his royalty and brought the Army of India. The Army of India is equipped with Ganges River Water. The contaminated Ganges Water slowly destroys the Army of P-Gal.
                     Dildo has to approach the P-Gal by himself. He approaches to McLean Castle. The reign of P-Gal has begun. The Buddy, approaches P-Gal with his gator but the car overpowers the gator. P-Gal starts hitting women with his car. So many casualties but so many men alive while the women are dwindling in population.
                       Dildo arrives to P-Gal. He does not show the dildo. The P-Gal asks “I have the car, what do you have, little man?”. Alec replies, “Go fuck yourself, P-Gal” and reveals the dildo. Then, the Gods have given Dildo support. Dildo’s Dilly became bigger and black, and Dildo grew wings. Dildo Baggins became Evil Angel, a dirty minded but heroic at the same time. Dildo hits P-Gal with the dildo and old eggs from Mr. Howarth’s room starts to fall from the sky.
P-Gal has taken great damage from the dildo so he leaves to recover. The old eggs contain bacteria that begins to sicken P-Gal.
While P-Gal was running, the tin’s power has taken a toll on Dildo. Dildo could not resist the power of the tin taking him over, he is taken over and starts looking for the closest car. Sam notices and says, “Come on Mr. Dildo, you can fight back!!”. Sam beatboxes for Dildo. Dildo’s soul slowly overpowers the tin. Dildo lets go of the tin and chases P-Gal.
P-Gal reaches Westmoreland. He was safe. But he was wrong.
            The spirit of EL was present with a needle of heroin. “You ruined my life here, I will ruin yours.” she said. She stabs him with the heroin and Dildo puts hand lotion at the tip of the Dilly. The Dilly strikes P-Gal’s mouth and P-Gal’s mouth is demolished. The power of the dilly is destroying P-Gal while the heroin is destroying him. The dead and the living cooperate and P-Gal dies. The inscription on the tin fades and Westmoreland is no longer hell on Earth.
             The third age has ended and a new era has started, the Fourth Age. The JFarm and the Slap, who was still alive started the “Friendly Association of Peace”, to prevent such wars for the future. Z Dogg evolved into a Z Lion and eventually Z Zilla. Cowstabh became the ruler of India and decided to install a sewage system in India. The wise wizard Borna regrew his eyebrows and is starting a trend called 1K4BK, a trend for benefit if you follow him on twitter. He just needs 1000 followers. Sam has moved on to become a janitor at his favorite film company Jules Jordan. Everyone lived happily but Dildo.
              Dildo was affected by the tin’s power. The tin does not exist anymore, but the psychological damage remains. Dildo wrote a book, the Lord of The Dildos. He led the rest of his sad life dating a man or a women that you cannot tell whether it was him or not.

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